Unapologetic: A Year as a Writer

The craziest thing in the world is when someone comments on something I write. Even after a year of being a full-time blogger and writer, it’s still hard to get used to the fact that people care enough about my work to read it, share it, and think about it.

This time last year, I was at my desk sneaking peeks at blogs like For Harriet and ESSENCE Online and the Thought Catalogue (today, I’ve written for all of them). This time last year, I was sitting in a cubicle at a tele-sales job that made me hate life and people. This time last year, I was dreading the alarm clock that would wake me up with just enough time to make it through traffic to the cheesily decorated office building which I loathed spending 10 hours of my day in.

This exact time last year, I quit that job.

I left my benefits, my apartment, my friends, and my freedom behind and moved back in with my mom to pursue writing as a full-time career.

Smart? Some would say hell no. Crazy? I would say oh yes, ma’am. Worth it? Absolutely.

Getting through the past year has required that I be honest about who I am, what I want, and how I want to live my life. I’ve been made vulnerable to critics who don’t understand what I do and don’t think blogging is a “real job”, and I’ve been made vulnerable to my personal fear of failure.

This year has educated me on how strong the human experience can make you. I’ve endured the side eyes, the family meetings to discuss what was “wrong” with me, the endless phone calls from Sallie Mae, and some severe sessions of writer’s block.

It has been a year of tears, disappointments, empty bank accounts, empty stomachs, confusion, prayer, questioning, and asking for a lot of help.

And I’m not sorry about any of it.

This journey has often times required that I make people uncomfortable, including myself. There are times when I can’t explain to people what I do, where I work, or even where I live. Many people will say I’m reckless for risking my financial freedom and security to chase a pipe dream.

But I believe it would be more reckless to let that dream go deferred.

I’ve long believed we should be tellers of our own stories. People may not always understand it, or appreciate it, but your story is yours to tell. This is MY story. When I couldn’t find the work opportunities I wanted, I created them for myself. And by doing so, I’ve been exposed to other opportunities I could never have imagined for myself. The same places that rejected my resume now follow my blog and some ask me to write for them.

As I continue growing and learning more about myself and how I operate, I hope to encourage everyone who I encounter or who reads what I write to live life unapologetically. Unapologetic for the way you look. Unapologetic for the way you feel about something (or someone). Unapologetic for what you may think or say. Unapologetic for what you believe. Unapologetic for what you want.

I hope that once we decide that we’re not going to apologize for wanting something different out of lives, we will all pursue our goals with reckless abandon and watch life unfold in unexpected ways.

Am I rich? Far from it. Am I broke? Eh. Aren’t I always? Am I happy? Absolutely.

As failure filled as this year has been, it’s also been a year of success. I’ve had the freedom to travel, meet and interview really inspiring people, work with great editors and teachers, and be inspired every day. I hope I’m helping redefine the definition of success.

I’ve learned that satisfaction in this career choice will not come from a salary. But it will be derived from the relief of getting a gnawing thought out of your head and onto a page, from the heated conversations in the comment sections, and from the freedom of living in my purpose every day.

I am a writer. I am a transcriber of thoughts and opinions. I am a teller of stories. I am a sharer of ideas. Even now, it’s hard to admit that this is what I do. But I know I am in good company of other strong black women authors before me. I believe in their stories and their struggles. And I’m thankful for everyone who believes in me.

There’s still a lot I want to do as a writer and as a professional and I’m excited to pursue those dreams in the next year. I no longer fear failure. Every failure helps me appreciate my successes more. And in failure, there is satisfaction in knowing that I tried to do something others said I couldn’t or shouldn’t do. And I didn’t die. In fact, I’ve never felt more alive.

[VLOG] Hola, NOLA Day last :(

ESSENCE Fest has ended and so has my time in New Orleans.

I’m surprised by how sad I got on Tuesday morning when I woke up and had no work to do for ESSENCE.com. And I was even more surprised by how I almost cried when I turned in the key to boarding house I called home for nearly 10 days.

But I’m mostly thankful for everyone who helped me get to New Orleans in the first place by either donating to my GoFundMe, buying my plane ticket (yea that happened), updating my wardrobe (that happened too), or giving me great advice and necessary encouragement. I did a lot of work down in the bayou and I hope to keep working and making you all proud.

And also thanks to everyone in New Orleans who were so friendly and helpful. You all made me feel at home by taking me out, introducing me to new foods, helping get around, or giving me endless compliments on my nappy hair (seriously, EVERYONE tried to touch my hair!)

I did a lot but there’s still so much I didn’t get a chance to do. So I know I’ll be back. The question is, who’s coming with me?

[CONVERSATIONS] Denisio Truitt on creativity, confidence, and DOPEciety

photo courtesy of Instagram @densiotruitt

If you haven’t heard about DOPEciety, it’s time you get hip. DOPEciety is a casual clothing and T-shirt company that makes high quality unique tees, shrugs, dresses, and more. The brains behind this fashionable operation is Denisio Truitt, the founder, CEO, and head designer of all things DOPEciety. If you follow her on Tumblr or Instagram (like myself), you know her for her style, her friendship with poet Alex Elle, or for her awesome shaved hairdo.

I reached out to Denisio before my trip to New Orleans in the hopes of meeting up with her just to pick her brain about the origins of DOPEciety and her personal style. What resulted was a long and inspiring conversation in a sandwich shop about life, struggles, triumphs, and learning to go after what you want.

I want to share our conversation with you in the hopes that she will encourage and motivate you as much as she did for me.

When did you start making clothes?
I’ve been sewing cloths since I was like 4. My mom taught me how to sew and my grandmother was a seamstress. My moms family is originally from Liberia my grandmother had this boutique in Liberia.
I lived there for a little under a year when I was younger. I loved it, from what I can remember even though I only like, 4, there are little memories .

 

DOPEciety’s Fulani Tee

So where did “DOPEciety” come from?
So DOPEciety funnily enough kind of funnels into my whole culture. I’m an artist by trade. I’m a painter. I was a studio art and english major in undergrad. I wanted to incorporate my art work into a clothing line. I wanted to make a t-shirt that I would rock. So I wanted t-shirts that were kind of relatable to everybody but also reflected my own culture. So a lot of my designs kind of revolve around this mask…a traditional mask used in Liberia and Sierra Leone. I guess it’s kind of representative of the duality of my culture being both African and American. and kind of taking this very traditional object and modernizing it.
It’s kind of a mash up of my culture. So DOPEciety is a mash up of “Dope” “society”.

You’re known in my circles as the dope bald chick who designs really cute T-shirts. What made you decide to shave your head?
I’ve had short hair probably for about 6 years. It’s been different lengths but it’s never been more than 6 inches long. I just don’t like hair. Before I cut my hair, my hair was like on my back I just would’t do anything with it. It was hard for me the first time I did it. I first did a really big chop when I was 19. I got sick and I was taking all of this medication and my hair fell out. So I had to shave it off and I was crying. But because my mom and her family are from west africa they tend to wear short hair. I kind of grew up thinking short hair was normal. But when I cut it off I liked the way it worked.
I think all women will look great with short hair. You just gotta rock it and own it.

Something that I admire a lot about you is that you seem very confident. Where does that confidence come from?
I mean I have my moments. I think when it comes to my talents and my skills I think I am a very confident with what I can do I think I’m a very talented person. But there are definitely areas in my life that I wish I was more confident in. I think I’m very socially awkward. There are people who can go to parties by themselves and talk to whoever they want. I can’t do that! Like any other girl sometimes I have issues with my looks. But for the most part when it comes to my artistic capabilities, I’m very confident.

What advice can you give about developing more confidence?
There was this one video that I watched. It was like a message to artist. He was saying that whatever type of artist you are, there will come a point in your creativity or career where what you want to produce is not matching with what you’re currently doing. And thats something that a lot of artists struggle with and so his advice was to push through that. With my artwork, there was a time when I’m creating this art and it was just not what I wanted it to be. And that’s where a lot of people quit and his advice was to just keep producing. Even if it’s shit, just don’t stop producing. I think for me, just not being afraid to make things that might suck or might not sell. When I first started DOPEciety, I had a total of 5 designs. 2 of the designs they were throwaways. But just being able to push through that and make things for the sake of making them, and eventually get into the groove of things.
I guess my advice to be more confident is just to keep producing. Even if you think its crap, just keep doing it. Don’t get discouraged and focus on the things that aren’t so great.

How can creatives turn our passions into profit?
Definitely know your worth. With me specifically, when I first started DOPEciety, I was selling shirts for something ridiculous like $15 and it costs like $10 to make a shirt! So there was no profit there. And kind of taking a stance and knowing how much time and effort it takes to make the products. I used to style friends and I wouldn’t charge them because they were my friends, but then I felt like if people were really my friends and they respect me they’ll understand that I can’t give my time for free because my time literally is money. I think that shift in thinking helped a lot. And also just knowing your resources and knowing when you need help. So kind of just letting my ego down and reaching out to people and asking for help.

A lot of my friends and I truly admire you and what you do. Who do you admire?
I admire my mom. She had it really rough being a single parent and raising me and haveng to deal with a moody teenager and kind of just instilling in me that I could put my mind to whatever and do it. I admire my grandmother for her grace. She is definitely somebody I look up to for her never-ending patience and compassion for people. She was a very giving person. In Liberia she was known for literally picking up children off the street and caring for them. She was a very nurturing person. I wouldn’t say that doesn’t come to me naturally because I am a caring person but I do have issues with temper and being overly sensitive to stuff but I admire her for that.
I feel like our culture in general has this obsession with celebrities and celebrity worship and people on Tumblr and Instagram and idolizing them. I feel more inspired by people in my family. I find a lot of things admirable in (everyday) people.

What has been the most rewarding part about running your own company?
It’s wonderful that I can get up and do work in my PJs if I want to. I worked at GW(George Washington University) straight out of college fundraising for 6 years. I was making really good money. I had a stable job really good benefits (and) vacation time, but I was miserable. I felt like I was on a hamster wheel: you get up, you take a shower, you get dressed, you go to work, you work, you go to t he gym for lunch, you sit at your computer for hours, you go home, you have a glass of wine, you watch some TV, you wake up and do the same thing the next day. Everyday. I think the most rewarding thing is being able to get up and make my own day and my own schedule. It feels good that I’m in control.

What is the most frustrating part?
I think for me the most frustrating thing is knowing that I can’t please everybody and knowing that I will make mistakes and it’s okay. I’m very hard on myself. And kind of just getting out my head and saying “You made a mistake, but its okay.”

Denisio’s advice for pursuing what you’re passionate about:

I don’t have regrets because my journey is my journey and I’m where I’m supposed to be now for a reason. But if I could go back, even though I had a full ride at my college, I probably would’ve gone to art school like I wanted to. I wish I was a little more brave and not so much afraid of what people would think.

Follow Denisio’s Tumblr

Shop DOPEciety

[VLOG] Hola, NOLA! Day 1&1/2

I’m in New Orleans!

I wanted to be able to give you guys relatively real-time updates of my day to day happenings in the city so you all can rest assured that I’m safe and also having one of the best times of my life. So I decided to make mini documentaries by filming everything I do (and looking like a true tourist)

This first feature shows my journey and how I’m settling into my new digs in the Big Easy. I did a lot of exploring around my neighborhood and connected with a designer I’ve admired for a while now, Denisio Truitt (who coincidentally lives in my neighborhood). Through meeting her and her boyfriend, I’ve been able to learn more about where I am and experience some of the cooler parts of the city. Not only that, but her journey is really inspiring to someone like me who’s attempting to turn my passions into profit.

Highlight of the day(s): Hanging out with Denisio (and Mike lol)

Recommendations: Try the Kale Salad at Satsuma!

Don’t ever…: Leave the house without checking the humidity index!

Check out my first installment below and be on the lookout for more videos, pictures, and interviews (I’ll be posting my full interview with Denisio later)

Wonder Woman [via Vision Magazine]

So for the last 14 days I’ve been scrambling, struggling, and grinding to prepare for the ESSENCE Music Festival in New Orleans. I was invited at the last minute to do some freelance work for ESSENCE Online (cue Ashanti‘s “Dreams are real…all you have to do is just believe”).

So that means I don’t have any new scathing commentary on race, gender, and pop culture (yet) this week. What I would like to share is an article I wrote for Vision Magazine, the print publication ministry of the First Baptist Church in Glenarden. I began writing a column called “Sister Truth” in which I hope to encourage women of Christ (like myself) throughout life’s challenges and tough decisions.

This trip to New Orleans has been one of the strangest and thrilling experiences of my life (look out for VLOGS this week). I’m constantly trying to encourage myself. I hope this article helps me and someone else. 

~jJ~ 

WONDER WOMAN by Jolie A. Doggett

My name is Jolie. But my friends call me “Wonder Woman“. Why? Because I’m always on the go and I’m up for any challenge. Just like the fictional comic heroine, I used my wit and smarts to face life’s difficulties all while remaining calm, strong, and beautifully composed. I work hard and I used to pride myself on being able to handle my own life and my own problems, whatever they were, all on my own.

When I started college six years ago, a lot of things changed. New places, new people, new struggles, new standards to live up to. It wasn’t long before I felt incredibly overwhelmed.  It was all seeming like too much. I couldn’t find any strength in myself to move forward they way I used to.

Everything I was once so sure about in myself was now put in question. My former composed self became quickly disheveled by the pressure to succeed. I felt weak and discouraged and, quite frankly, stupid. Who did I think I was that I could make my way through my career and become successful?

One morning I woke up really not ready to face what was sure to be a difficult day ahead. I didn’t have any strength left in me. I picked up my Bible and randomly flipped through its pages. I found myself in the book of Psalms and read Chapter 73 verse 26: “My flesh and my heart fail; But God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

It was then that I realized I was no Wonder Woman at all. And that was okay because God is and will always be the true superhero in my life. He swooped in when all seemed lost and my world was falling apart and saved the day. He handles things in ways I could never handle on my own. When I can’t do it all, God can do it all and then some.

I made it through four years of undergrad and more challenging situations by reading that verse every morning and reminding myself that I am not invincible and assuring myself that I would still be okay. When I couldn’t find the strength in myself, I had to find my strength in God. I had to humble myself and allow my God to have control. I am never all on my own. God is always there.

So to all the wonder women (and super men) out there who are working hard, raising their kids, chasing their dreams, and making a way, stay close to God who is the source of your power and your super strength and let Him save your day.

Introducing D-Cal Rising Hip-Hop Star and Future Game Changer [via-Hypefresh Magazine]

One thing I love about being a writer is all of the cool people I get to meet. One such person is a young rapper from Baltimore named Edem Kwame but his fans may know him better as D-Cal. The dude is seriously dope. He opened up a show for Wale and Big Sean just a few months ago and is releasing an album this summer (WHAT?!) I had the opportunity to interview him for Hypefresh Magazine about his fast growing success and his future goals. Check out the original article here.

~jJ~

Introducing D-Cal Rising Hip-Hop Star and Future Game Changer by Jolie A. Doggett

From local aspiring artist, to opening act for two of the biggest names in hip hop (I’m talking big like Big Sean and Wale BIG!). Edem Kwame, known by his stage D-Cal, is quickly rising to super stardom. The Baltimore native by way of Ghana is making his mark on the Hip Hop music scene and putting the DMV (DC, Maryland, Virginia) on the map. D-Cal is new and next on the scene.

 

I sat down with my good friend and dopest rapper I know to hear more about his latest endeavors. I wanted to share this exclusive with HYPEFRESH®. Get hip, everyone! And get ready for D-Cal’s hip hop takeover.

So tell the people who you are. Who is D-Cal? Where did you come from?

I was born in Ghana and that probably plays the biggest role in my sound. I grew up listening to music in other languages. Started rapping on a green box in Baltimore when I was about 10 and kept it from there.I actually don’t know why I never let it go.

What makes you stand out from the other local rap stars? 

Started rapping on a green box in Baltimore when I was about 10 and kept it from there.I actually don’t know why I never let it go…I don’t think people should listen to me as opposed to, but in addition to. There’s no need to X anyone out of the equation… just understand that I do me better than anyone else. 

And what does doing you sound like?

Don’t really have a go-to sound to my knowledge. My delivery is more aggressive than most new age rappers because I developed my early skills in the battling circuit. I’m rapping to people that aren’t necessarily in the best position in life, but are looking to do well. My content is very aggressive in tone, but if you actually listen to what I’m saying, you’ll realize the message is more reflective than anything.

Sounds like something people can get into.

My music is all about the “come up” and working hard to get what you want regardless of outside influences. Nothing is more exciting than the come up- you work so hard never knowing when your moment will come. That’s all I know how to do as a person so that is what I convey in my music. 

So what are you up to these days?

I just finished opening for Wale and Big Sean at Byrd Stadium. I have been doing somewhat of a College tour, hitting as many schools in the area as my schedule permits. Currently prepping for the release of “Hunger Pains” which should be out by late spring.

Wait, you just skated across that like opening up for Wale and Big Sean is no big deal at all. How did this happen?!

To open up (at Art Attack), I had to compete in a competition called “Battle of the Bands”. Nobody thought I was going to win because I was the only solo performer in a “band” competition. It was actually difficult as hell but the people voted me through. 

Were you nervous as hell?

I ALWAYS get nervous right before I go on stage whether I’m performing for 10 people or 10,000. Once I actually get on the stage, my nerves dissipate as soon as I open my mouth. There’s no way to describe the feeling of knowing everyone in a room is looking to you for entertainment. Then call and response actually gives me confidence. It means they’re attentive and engaged.

You sound like a legit superstar. A lot of artists describe getting in “the zone” the same way. How do you stay grounded?

Art Attack was definitely the largest concert yet. The funny thing is, it’s much easier to do a show like this, than a small one. If you understand crowd control, a large audience is your friend because mob mentality reigns supreme at concerts.If you understand crowd control, a large audience is your friend because mob mentality reigns supreme at concerts. It was cool to be honest. It’s a bigger deal to my peers than it is to me because I understand there’s way more work to be done. It was definitely a cool moment, but it’s a very small piece to a very large large puzzle.

I’ve listened to the first single released from the album. And the track GOES! What’s “Water Whippin” all about?

Water Whippin- It’s a concept that I’ve been using for a while that aligns with the idea of the #DoubleUp movement. Essentially,with whatever you’re doing in life, if you’re actively working to achieve something, you’re “Water Whippin”. The actual verses are telling two different sides of the same story. The first verse is explaining the difference between my life and the lives of many of the people that look down at how I & my community operate. The second verse discusses what happens when we get fed up. 

While the world waits for “Hunger Pains”, how are you staying relevant in this ever changing music industry?

My newest venture has been the release of these #DoubleUp shirts. These motherfuckers are live. We’re selling them to invest money in my next project, “Hunger pains” and of course since they have my movement’s hashtag written on them, it’s simultaneous promotion. Aside from that, I’ve been doing shows everywhere I can. Just getting the name out and networking wherever I go.

And how can potential fans jump on the D-Cal, #DoubleUp train?

Best place for now is youtube until we get this website up and running. Right now, you can just type “D-Cal” into youtube and everything I dropped within the past 5 or so months comes up. It’s kinda cool. To keep in touch with me, I’d suggest staying up with me on Twitter and Instagram @DeuceCaliber.

 

Edem Kwame aka D-Cal

I’m Sick of Feeling Sorry for “Nice Guys”

Dear men,

Can I be frank with you guys?

I get so sick of hearing the phrases “nice guy” and “gentleman”. I could do without hearing “friend zone”, too. And I’m done feeling sorry for you if you think you fit in one of these categories.

yup.

The shootings at Isla Vista have sparked a conversation about sexism and it’s dangerous consequences for women in this day and age. But apparently, misogyny has dealt men an unfair hand as well wherein they feel #YesAllWomen and other conversations about sexism have failed to acknowledge the nice guys of the world.

So I’m going to acknowledge you now. Brace yourselves.

Time Magazine published a piece about Elliot Rodger, the mass shooter. In it, the author makes a case about how Rodger’s chronic virginity and being turned down by his female classmates may have left him with no choice but to kill six people. She writes:

“Elliot Rodger had never kissed a girl. In a culture of casual sex, he was a virgin — at 22. He was lonely, angry, humiliated, depressed, and also likely struggling with mental illness. He couldn’t understand why others got to have what he didn’t; why girls always seemed to go after the “obnoxious jocks,” not the nice guys like him; why he had to see it all around him — from porn to campus party culture — as if taunting him. He was always missing out.”

Okay. So, um…what?

“Nice guys like him”? What does being a “nice guy” even mean? Last time I checked, it wasn’t nice to throw a deadly temper tantrum just because you’re a little sexually frustrated (I mean, who isn’t at 22?).

I understand. There are pressures society puts on men to define their masculinity by how many girls they’re smashing and how many hearts they break. But since when did not being able to fit in with modern society provide an excuse for assholery? Does male privilege run so deep that the idea of not being able to have something someone else has (in this case, vaginas) is now just cause to go on a murderous rampage?

Since we’re discussing the power of peer pressure, let’s talk about the pressure I get from my male peers to give them some play just because they’re “nice guys”. Let’s talk about how many of those “nice guys” turn real un-nice when a girl practices her God-given right to turn them down for sex or a relationship. Why should I feel sorry for a guy just because he doesn’t get girls? Is he too good to masturbate like the rest of us? Hell, why would you even want a girl who feels sorry for you?

I literally cannot count how many men have complained to me about not getting girls because they’re “too nice”. Since when did being nice equate to being interesting? Being nice is just a personality trait that many humans on this earth possess, believe it or not. Come correct and come with more than just “I do nice things” to woo me. I do nice stuff too. What else ya got?

T.J. Holmes also added some interesting points to the Nice Guy discourse. In his piece for The Root, When a “Gentleman” Is Linked to Mass Murder, he writes:

“There’s sometimes no distinction made between the sexism inherent in some common behavior and the sexism and hatred that led to mass murder in Isla Vista, Calif…. #YesAllWomen has done a disservice. It makes no distinction. While it has allowed women to share their experiences and legitimate fears and concerns about how society views women, it gives the sense that all sexism is created equal.”

I actually laughed out loud at this one.

So, you want a “distinction”? You guys want a cookie and a blue ribbon for being a Nice Guy Island in a sea of sexist ass holes? How about instead of soliciting pity from me and demanding that you be exempt from the #YesAllWomen conversation, you actually do something nice and speak on behalf of women who have been put into dangerous situations due to sexism and misogyny? How about you help redefine masculinity for the sexless boys out there who are on the brink of mass murder? How about you have several seats?

Let’s talk about the fact that Holmes felt it necessary to distinguish himself and the men who may agree with him as “gentlemen” who’ve been unjustly compared to other men (how dare we compare you with the common riff-raff?!). But it’s those same gentlemen who seemed shocked that women don’t give them a distinction and a reward for their niceties. This shock and disdain sounds an awful lot like the reasoning behind Rodger’s mass shooting. Just saying… I’m sure he thought he was a gentleman, too, who deserved to be singled out from the everyday guys and be seen for the good man he thought he was.

Too often, the words “gentleman” and “good man” are used as synonyms when in reality, they are not the same thing. What is a gentleman anyway? In it’s basic sense, it’s a man who is chivalrous. One who is polite and pays for meals on a date, I guess. He avoids using sexual or foul language in front of people, he opens doors, pulls out chairs, bathes regularly, blah blah blah. A gentleman practices basic human manners that should be in use at ALL times for ALL people, not just women they’re interested in dating.

Men tend to have these generic attitudes about women and how to treat them. I hear several men say “I know I’m a good man, I open doors for women, I pay for her stuff, I know I’m a gentleman” All men should be gentlemen, but not all gentlemen make a “Good Man”. I’ll repeat for the cheap seats in the back: being nice does not make you a good man or a good person. While chivalry is great and a commendable attribute in any man, it isn’t the blueprint to being a good mate or to treating a person right.

What I’m saying is, your Gentleman Card is not a VISA- it’s not accepted everywhere. And neither is your Jackass Card, for that matter. The world isn’t separated into nice people and jerks. The way to a woman’s heart–if that’s what you’re after–is to find out what goes on in her heart. What are her interests? What makes her laugh? What pisses her off? What turns her on? Treat her like an individual. Be interesting, damnit.

And just like women are individuals, I know men are individuals as well. I know all of you guys aren’t going out on killing sprees because you can’t get laid. I know all of you aren’t yelling at me to “smile, baby!” in parking lots or at Metro stations. I know some of you won’t call me a bitch for not taking your phone number. But you don’t get special treatment for being nice. There are plenty of nice women and girls who are still getting harassed and raped and shot by a lot of “nice” men.

I know some of this may have seemed a little harsh but, as I mentioned in my title, I’m done feeling sorry for men just because they think they’re “nice”. And it’d actually be very nice if men would stop expecting sex, special treatment,  and other rewards just because they say and do nice things. The world doesn’t work like that. Geeze, what are Disney movies teaching you men?

 

Angry Black Woman Syndrome: Women Can’t Be Emotional

Solange Attacks Jay-Z in Elevator, Full Video:


I confess. I was caught up in the epic Carter-Knowles Battle throughout Monday’s news cycle. I watched and rewatched the video, refreshed my Black Twitter feed, and laughed out loud at some of these memes you creative people promptly released.

But now the time has come to address the double standard Solange’s actions have brought to light: Women are not allowed to be emotional.

Singer Pleasure P took to Instagram with the following post:

“My hats go off to @jayz he conducted himself like a gentlemen, in a awkward unfortunate situation. A lot of guys aren’t mature enough,to deal with an emotional person like he did. No matter what the situation was @solange shouldn’t have carried herself like that. there’s a time and place to address issues and that was not one of them. she needs to learn to control her emotions. if he was attacking her he would have been the most hated person in the world. But because she’s a woman doing the attacking,everyone finds it funny. When in fact it’s wrong.” 

For the record, I’m not condoning violence of any form. I am, however, condemning the notion that women somehow lose our respectability for expressing rage and other emotions.

Why is “emotional” often the first word used to describe a passionate woman? Having “emotions” has been a criticism of women that has held us back for centuries. The Glass Ceiling was literally forged under the thought that women can’t control our sadness and anger and therefore can’t be trusted to make rational decisions.

I don’t know if Pleasure P or anyone else knows this, but both men and women are born with the capacity to feel and display emotions. Yet historically, women are told to suppress our feelings in public situations (unless those feelings were unbridled happiness) while anger and passion was reserved for males.

Pleasure P and the patriarchal society he lives in has made it clear: Men are allowed be reactionary and women are not. Mr. P criticizes Solange for acting on her “emotions” but he celebrate Jay-Z for not acting on his. As if it would’ve been completely understandable, perhaps natural, for Jay to behave on his impulses and for him to hit her (someone give that man a cookie). But Pleasure P can’t fathom what would’ve cause Solange to be so “emotional”.

Solange, Jay-Z, Beyonce exit elevator moments after altercation

And as if there weren’t enough double standards in the Solange Showdown, the social media universe has been criticizing Beyonce for her idle silence throughout the fight as much as they are criticizing Solange for turning up. The Washington Post repeatedly comments on how Beyonce was merely adjusting her dress (#sarcasm). HollywoodLife.Com criticizes Bey for not swinging alongside Solange or for defending her man. So, we’re supposed to be calm and controlled but also expected to fight for certain causes. How can a woman win in this scenario?

Men are not the only people allowed to be angry. It is 2014, people! Sure, violence is rarely the answer to a problem but it is often a side effect of the type of severe anger which was likely felt by Solange in those moments in the elevator. We know nothing as of yet about what provoked Solange to swinging fists at her brother-in-law. But she has the human right to react to provocation and be emotional without being negatively labeled.

Pleasure P’s comments about Solange are a nice way of assigning her to the Angry Black Woman  trope that tells us women of color are always irrationally upset about something and are known to react loudly and violently. He implies that she needs to learn to “control” her obvious nature to overreacting. This judgement is not only false, but it is dangerous. When we as people of color stereotype ourselves, we open the door for others to believe those stereotypes (can anyone say Donald Sterling?). When we place women in an emotional box and demand that they control themselves and remain in the confines of that box, we’re basically saying that a woman’s truth and means of expressing herself don’t matter.

Pleasure P had one semi-factual point. Had the tables been turned and Jay-Z was swinging on Bey’s little sister, there would have been less comedy and more outrage. But men fight all the time be it with women or each other. And blame isn’t placed on their being emotional. Fighting is considered natural for men and abnormal for women.

No one ever tells men to control their emotions. Boys will be boys, as the adage goes. And being a boy apparently automatically includes inclinations to anger and violence. I guess that’s why the leading cause of death among black men is gun violence (yea I said it). It’s problematic when we normalize violence for certain groups because the results of that expectation are often deadly and skewed toward that group.

Again, I think violence can and should be avoided at all costs. And no, I wouldn’t prefer if things were “all equal” and Jay-Z and other men started hitting women. But the double standard toward women who become violent is real and offensive. Where is it written that women can’t get angry? Maybe men need to learn not to piss women off? Or maybe we all need to learn to respect each other’s emotions and respond to them accordingly.

 

“Who is Camille Michelle Gray?” Exclusive Interview

Camille Michelle Gray. “Street Cinema”, the EP

This is the age of the independent artist. In a world that rejects the individualism and the aspirations of young minds, rising up out of the dryness of the mainstream are some of the dopest, groundbreaking talents the world has yet to really see. Among the boldest and the bravest are the musicians. I’ve come to know one in particular named Camille Michelle Gray whose fearless and relentless pursuit of her goal to become a renown artist with integrity and pure talent has led me and her listeners on a journey of getting to know her and her world better through song. Here are a few things I’ve learned about the Camille Michelle Gray:

 

Camille Michelle Gray is a singer/songwriter.

On Thursday March 13, 2014, Camille released her premier EP, “Street Cinema”. I had the opportunity to sit down with her for an exclusive interview about the meaning and process behind each of the songs as well as her goals for her latest project and her future as an artist. Camille writes each song to in her own words based on some of her own experiences. But by boldly exposing herself, she releases listeners from their inhibitions and allows us to be honest about some the chapters in our own lives (I mean, just listen to “Become” or “Please Please”). Not only that, but her lyrics are a myriad of emotions from angst, to desire, to anger, to hopefulness all in under an hour. Brace yourself.

Camille Michelle Gray is a friend.

In the short time I’ve known Camille, I’ve learned that not everything is as it seems. We meet people and we immediately want to describe them, categorize them, figure out what their “deal” is. But Camille’s deal is to be an honest contradiction. In all of her shyness, boldness, patience, and stubbornness, Camille presents an honest portrait of who she is, what she values, and how people are layered and can never be too many things at once. I’m blessed to be in a position to know that some of the songs on the album are representations of just that kind of multifaceted personality. I have a feeling that listeners will get an inkling of her life through the emotions she exposes in every lyric and note she sings.

Camille Michelle Gray is an inspiration.

Some of the best motivation comes from surrounding myself with people on the move. Men and women young and old are trying get recognized and realize mainstream success. Meanwhile, we see people like Camille Michelle Gray creating her own buzz on her own terms and putting herself out there to be judged by the masses. To see her succeed is to see me and other young dreamers on our way. Not only that, but to see her triumphs, struggles, frustrations, flaws, and raw talent is to see a truly bright and honest star being born not too far over the horizon.

Full transcript of her interview here.

“My Name is NOT ‘Baby'”: A rant on street harassment and discrimination

One day, I was standing outside of a store waiting for my dad to meet me. While I was waiting, I made a phone call to my mom. While I was on the phone, I was approached my a man who was obviously more than twice my age who tried to engage me in a separate conversation. “Hey baby. I like them pants. What you up to tonight?” While there are so many ways in which I could have responded to him, I settled for a simple “I can’t talk right now, I’m on the phone” which he followed up with “Damn, girl I’m just trying to get to know you”. I suppressed a severe eye-roll and politely asked him to please leave me alone. When I didn’t respond to his advances, he proceeded to berate me with so many variations of “prude bitch”, my head began to spin.

I can’t walk down the street, pump gas into my car, shop in a grocery store, even sit in church without a man feeling entitled to harass me. They tell me to smile, they follow me around, they stare and whistle and honk their horns at my backside. They reach out and touch me without my permission.  Some even take pictures!

When I don’t acknowledge the man cat calling me from across the street, I’m a Stuck Up Bitch. All because I inform a man that my name is not “baby“, “sweetie“, or “ma“. I’m told “If I don’t want attention, I shouldn’t dress so attractively.” Some would say I shouldn’t be offended. This isn’t harassment, this is a compliment. If my boss, a strange man on the street, a security guard or store clerk wants to talk to me or stare at me or compliment me or follow me around, it’s just because they think I’m attractive. I should be honored. Shouldn’t I?

Let me go on record and say no, I shouldn’t be honored. This type of behavior isn’t a compliment, it’s harassment. I’m not obligated to smile just because a man wants me to. I don’t exist for the visual pleasure of men. I’d don’t have to speak to satisfy a man’s physical attraction to me or perceived “courage” in approaching me. And I’m not a bitch just because I don’t want to talk to a man I have no interest in.

Society has not changes much since the days in which Nathaniel Hawthorne penned “The Scarlet Letter“. Women are still judged harshly for our actions (and for our inaction). Only instead of having embroidered letters slapped upon our breast, we are instead being stamped with #hashtags in social media and with harsh labels from society and our peers.

Women in bad romantic relationships are labeled #SideLineChicks, #Sluts, #Hoes, etc. As if being in their predicament represents a character flaw on their part, not on the man who created the love triangle. A women who is assertive, aggressive, and is confident is labeled a #Bitch or #Bossy. A woman who enjoys sex and explores her sexuality is called a #Whore. When I don’t want to give my phone number to a stranger, I’m #StuckUp. A man being the boss, having sex as much sex as he wants, or wanting to be left alone is labeled a man.

What gives men the perceived right to label, ridicule, harass and demean women they don’t even know? Why is the biological fact that they are “men” enough for them to communicate with and about women in any kind of way? People say “that’s just how boys act”“oh, he’s just being a man”. To me that’s barely an excuse. How can a man born of a woman be naturally inclined to treat women with disrespect? Sometimes, people assume I’m just a jaded woman. They tell me “you must not like men, that’s all” or they ask me if a man hurt me in my past. Why does there have to be something wrong with me just because I insist on being respected?

I tell people I’m a feminist and they look at me with confusion. What is a feminist, anyway? Many people (male and female) hear the word and they think of a radical bra-burning, man hating, ugly, lesbian who is under the delusion that they’re lives and treatment need to be equal.

That’s both offensive and limiting. Women are diverse. Our wants are diverse yet men assume we are all the same and treat us as such. A feminist is someone who believes in the social equality of all people regardless of gender. A feminist is someone who believes in respect for another human being regardless of gender. A feminist believes that being a man does not make you more powerful or more entitled to me, a woman. But I’m finding out now that people who hold this belief are few and far between.

Sexism is another unbelievable term. Even today, men are startled by the idea that women are oppressed anywhere outside of the Middle East. Why is it so unbelievable that in 2014 there is still harassment and discrimination against women? Why is my word and experience not enough to prove that the tragedy still exists?

It saddens me to admit that most of this discrimination and harassment comes from black men, my so called “brothers”.  How am I supposed to be responsible for lifting your spirits in a world that beats down upon you while you, the black man, is constantly berating me? Not only must I bear your suffering, but I must suffer under you. That’s not to say men of other races are excluded from harassment epidemic. When white men approach me the first thing they comment on are my lips, my hair, my hips, my breast and how they “always wanted a black women” as if all women of color are interchangeable and to have one is to have us all. As if having me at all is even an option, just because you want me. As if!

I confess to feeling a little depressed and powerless in these scenarios because in reality, I am somewhat powerless. Sometimes I feel like the only beings with the power to make any real change in the way women are treated and reacted to are the main ones responsible for the oppression. Women’s issues are everyone’s issues. And yet I feel constantly alone and criticized for crying wolf and calling men out on their privilege and outrageous behavior.

To the men out there, in case you still need convincing of your innate privilege given to you simply by being male (especially if you happen to be a white upper middle class male over 5’7″), allow me to break it down:

  • No reporter ever asks men how they plan to balance both their family and their career. (That’s a woman’s concern, right?)
  • Should you decide to run for office, political commentators will have nothing to say about what you wear to the podium.
  • Your value and intelligence are not directly linked to your sexual expression or lack thereof.
  • What goes on in your reproductive system is not under government regulation.
  • You can expect to see a group of men on a reality TV show who are not fighting. (“Bad Boys Club” just wouldn’t sell)
  • You can walk down the street at night (or anytime of day, really) and not be concerned for your sexual safety. (Do they make anti-rape, boxers yet?)
  • You can go nearly anywhere in the world and be allowed to wear what you want, go where you want, ride a bike, vote, go to school, work, pretty much do anything you want because you have a penis.
  • You aren’t criticized or called some variation of whore for appearing in public in minimal clothes (go shirtless if you want to, guys. Show off those abs!)
  • You can feel the freedom and right and even responsibility to comment on this article and tell me that my life experience and my opinions written here are wrong.

I have no ending for this piece. Just a plea for people to treat me (and others) with the respect I deserve not because I’m cute, or because I yelled at you and demanded that you speak to me with respect. But because I’m a human being. Not an object of your affection existing for your protection and attention That’s all.