Dear men,

Can I be frank with you guys?

I get so sick of hearing the phrases “nice guy” and “gentleman”. I could do without hearing “friend zone”, too. And I’m done feeling sorry for you if you think you fit in one of these categories.

yup.

The shootings at Isla Vista have sparked a conversation about sexism and it’s dangerous consequences for women in this day and age. But apparently, misogyny has dealt men an unfair hand as well wherein they feel #YesAllWomen and other conversations about sexism have failed to acknowledge the nice guys of the world.

So I’m going to acknowledge you now. Brace yourselves.

Time Magazine published a piece about Elliot Rodger, the mass shooter. In it, the author makes a case about how Rodger’s chronic virginity and being turned down by his female classmates may have left him with no choice but to kill six people. She writes:

“Elliot Rodger had never kissed a girl. In a culture of casual sex, he was a virgin — at 22. He was lonely, angry, humiliated, depressed, and also likely struggling with mental illness. He couldn’t understand why others got to have what he didn’t; why girls always seemed to go after the “obnoxious jocks,” not the nice guys like him; why he had to see it all around him — from porn to campus party culture — as if taunting him. He was always missing out.”

Okay. So, um…what?

“Nice guys like him”? What does being a “nice guy” even mean? Last time I checked, it wasn’t nice to throw a deadly temper tantrum just because you’re a little sexually frustrated (I mean, who isn’t at 22?).

I understand. There are pressures society puts on men to define their masculinity by how many girls they’re smashing and how many hearts they break. But since when did not being able to fit in with modern society provide an excuse for assholery? Does male privilege run so deep that the idea of not being able to have something someone else has (in this case, vaginas) is now just cause to go on a murderous rampage?

Since we’re discussing the power of peer pressure, let’s talk about the pressure I get from my male peers to give them some play just because they’re “nice guys”. Let’s talk about how many of those “nice guys” turn real un-nice when a girl practices her God-given right to turn them down for sex or a relationship. Why should I feel sorry for a guy just because he doesn’t get girls? Is he too good to masturbate like the rest of us? Hell, why would you even want a girl who feels sorry for you?

I literally cannot count how many men have complained to me about not getting girls because they’re “too nice”. Since when did being nice equate to being interesting? Being nice is just a personality trait that many humans on this earth possess, believe it or not. Come correct and come with more than just “I do nice things” to woo me. I do nice stuff too. What else ya got?

T.J. Holmes also added some interesting points to the Nice Guy discourse. In his piece for The Root, When a “Gentleman” Is Linked to Mass Murder, he writes:

“There’s sometimes no distinction made between the sexism inherent in some common behavior and the sexism and hatred that led to mass murder in Isla Vista, Calif…. #YesAllWomen has done a disservice. It makes no distinction. While it has allowed women to share their experiences and legitimate fears and concerns about how society views women, it gives the sense that all sexism is created equal.”

I actually laughed out loud at this one.

So, you want a “distinction”? You guys want a cookie and a blue ribbon for being a Nice Guy Island in a sea of sexist ass holes? How about instead of soliciting pity from me and demanding that you be exempt from the #YesAllWomen conversation, you actually do something nice and speak on behalf of women who have been put into dangerous situations due to sexism and misogyny? How about you help redefine masculinity for the sexless boys out there who are on the brink of mass murder? How about you have several seats?

Let’s talk about the fact that Holmes felt it necessary to distinguish himself and the men who may agree with him as “gentlemen” who’ve been unjustly compared to other men (how dare we compare you with the common riff-raff?!). But it’s those same gentlemen who seemed shocked that women don’t give them a distinction and a reward for their niceties. This shock and disdain sounds an awful lot like the reasoning behind Rodger’s mass shooting. Just saying… I’m sure he thought he was a gentleman, too, who deserved to be singled out from the everyday guys and be seen for the good man he thought he was.

Too often, the words “gentleman” and “good man” are used as synonyms when in reality, they are not the same thing. What is a gentleman anyway? In it’s basic sense, it’s a man who is chivalrous. One who is polite and pays for meals on a date, I guess. He avoids using sexual or foul language in front of people, he opens doors, pulls out chairs, bathes regularly, blah blah blah. A gentleman practices basic human manners that should be in use at ALL times for ALL people, not just women they’re interested in dating.

Men tend to have these generic attitudes about women and how to treat them. I hear several men say “I know I’m a good man, I open doors for women, I pay for her stuff, I know I’m a gentleman” All men should be gentlemen, but not all gentlemen make a “Good Man”. I’ll repeat for the cheap seats in the back: being nice does not make you a good man or a good person. While chivalry is great and a commendable attribute in any man, it isn’t the blueprint to being a good mate or to treating a person right.

What I’m saying is, your Gentleman Card is not a VISA- it’s not accepted everywhere. And neither is your Jackass Card, for that matter. The world isn’t separated into nice people and jerks. The way to a woman’s heart–if that’s what you’re after–is to find out what goes on in her heart. What are her interests? What makes her laugh? What pisses her off? What turns her on? Treat her like an individual. Be interesting, damnit.

And just like women are individuals, I know men are individuals as well. I know all of you guys aren’t going out on killing sprees because you can’t get laid. I know all of you aren’t yelling at me to “smile, baby!” in parking lots or at Metro stations. I know some of you won’t call me a bitch for not taking your phone number. But you don’t get special treatment for being nice. There are plenty of nice women and girls who are still getting harassed and raped and shot by a lot of “nice” men.

I know some of this may have seemed a little harsh but, as I mentioned in my title, I’m done feeling sorry for men just because they think they’re “nice”. And it’d actually be very nice if men would stop expecting sex, special treatment,  and other rewards just because they say and do nice things. The world doesn’t work like that. Geeze, what are Disney movies teaching you men?

Solange Attacks Jay-Z in Elevator, Full Video:

I confess. I was caught up in the epic Carter-Knowles Battle throughout Monday’s news cycle. I watched and rewatched the video, refreshed my Black Twitter feed, and laughed out loud at some of these memes you creative people promptly released.

But now the time has come to address the double standard Solange’s actions have brought to light: Women are not allowed to be emotional.

Singer Pleasure P took to Instagram with the following post:

“My hats go off to @jayz he conducted himself like a gentlemen, in a awkward unfortunate situation. A lot of guys aren’t mature enough,to deal with an emotional person like he did. No matter what the situation was @solange shouldn’t have carried herself like that. there’s a time and place to address issues and that was not one of them. she needs to learn to control her emotions. if he was attacking her he would have been the most hated person in the world. But because she’s a woman doing the attacking,everyone finds it funny. When in fact it’s wrong.” 

For the record, I’m not condoning violence of any form. I am, however, condemning the notion that women somehow lose our respectability for expressing rage and other emotions.

Why is “emotional” often the first word used to describe a passionate woman? Having “emotions” has been a criticism of women that has held us back for centuries. The Glass Ceiling was literally forged under the thought that women can’t control our sadness and anger and therefore can’t be trusted to make rational decisions.

I don’t know if Pleasure P or anyone else knows this, but both men and women are born with the capacity to feel and display emotions. Yet historically, women are told to suppress our feelings in public situations (unless those feelings were unbridled happiness) while anger and passion was reserved for males.

Pleasure P and the patriarchal society he lives in has made it clear: Men are allowed be reactionary and women are not. Mr. P criticizes Solange for acting on her “emotions” but he celebrate Jay-Z for not acting on his. As if it would’ve been completely understandable, perhaps natural, for Jay to behave on his impulses and for him to hit her (someone give that man a cookie). But Pleasure P can’t fathom what would’ve cause Solange to be so “emotional”.

Solange, Jay-Z, Beyonce exit elevator moments after altercation

And as if there weren’t enough double standards in the Solange Showdown, the social media universe has been criticizing Beyonce for her idle silence throughout the fight as much as they are criticizing Solange for turning up. The Washington Post repeatedly comments on how Beyonce was merely adjusting her dress (#sarcasm). HollywoodLife.Com criticizes Bey for not swinging alongside Solange or for defending her man. So, we’re supposed to be calm and controlled but also expected to fight for certain causes. How can a woman win in this scenario?

Men are not the only people allowed to be angry. It is 2014, people! Sure, violence is rarely the answer to a problem but it is often a side effect of the type of severe anger which was likely felt by Solange in those moments in the elevator. We know nothing as of yet about what provoked Solange to swinging fists at her brother-in-law. But she has the human right to react to provocation and be emotional without being negatively labeled.

Pleasure P’s comments about Solange are a nice way of assigning her to the Angry Black Woman  trope that tells us women of color are always irrationally upset about something and are known to react loudly and violently. He implies that she needs to learn to “control” her obvious nature to overreacting. This judgement is not only false, but it is dangerous. When we as people of color stereotype ourselves, we open the door for others to believe those stereotypes (can anyone say Donald Sterling?). When we place women in an emotional box and demand that they control themselves and remain in the confines of that box, we’re basically saying that a woman’s truth and means of expressing herself don’t matter.

Pleasure P had one semi-factual point. Had the tables been turned and Jay-Z was swinging on Bey’s little sister, there would have been less comedy and more outrage. But men fight all the time be it with women or each other. And blame isn’t placed on their being emotional. Fighting is considered natural for men and abnormal for women.

No one ever tells men to control their emotions. Boys will be boys, as the adage goes. And being a boy apparently automatically includes inclinations to anger and violence. I guess that’s why the leading cause of death among black men is gun violence (yea I said it). It’s problematic when we normalize violence for certain groups because the results of that expectation are often deadly and skewed toward that group.

Again, I think violence can and should be avoided at all costs. And no, I wouldn’t prefer if things were “all equal” and Jay-Z and other men started hitting women. But the double standard toward women who become violent is real and offensive. Where is it written that women can’t get angry? Maybe men need to learn not to piss women off? Or maybe we all need to learn to respect each other’s emotions and respond to them accordingly.

One day, I was standing outside of a store waiting for my dad to meet me. While I was waiting, I made a phone call to my mom. While I was on the phone, I was approached my a man who was obviously more than twice my age who tried to engage me in a separate conversation. “Hey baby. I like them pants. What you up to tonight?” While there are so many ways in which I could have responded to him, I settled for a simple “I can’t talk right now, I’m on the phone” which he followed up with “Damn, girl I’m just trying to get to know you”. I suppressed a severe eye-roll and politely asked him to please leave me alone. When I didn’t respond to his advances, he proceeded to berate me with so many variations of “prude bitch”, my head began to spin.

I can’t walk down the street, pump gas into my car, shop in a grocery store, even sit in church without a man feeling entitled to harass me. They tell me to smile, they follow me around, they stare and whistle and honk their horns at my backside. They reach out and touch me without my permission.  Some even take pictures!

When I don’t acknowledge the man cat calling me from across the street, I’m a Stuck Up Bitch. All because I inform a man that my name is not “baby“, “sweetie“, or “ma“. I’m told “If I don’t want attention, I shouldn’t dress so attractively.” Some would say I shouldn’t be offended. This isn’t harassment, this is a compliment. If my boss, a strange man on the street, a security guard or store clerk wants to talk to me or stare at me or compliment me or follow me around, it’s just because they think I’m attractive. I should be honored. Shouldn’t I?

Let me go on record and say no, I shouldn’t be honored. This type of behavior isn’t a compliment, it’s harassment. I’m not obligated to smile just because a man wants me to. I don’t exist for the visual pleasure of men. I’d don’t have to speak to satisfy a man’s physical attraction to me or perceived “courage” in approaching me. And I’m not a bitch just because I don’t want to talk to a man I have no interest in.

Society has not changes much since the days in which Nathaniel Hawthorne penned “The Scarlet Letter“. Women are still judged harshly for our actions (and for our inaction). Only instead of having embroidered letters slapped upon our breast, we are instead being stamped with #hashtags in social media and with harsh labels from society and our peers.

Women in bad romantic relationships are labeled #SideLineChicks, #Sluts, #Hoes, etc. As if being in their predicament represents a character flaw on their part, not on the man who created the love triangle. A women who is assertive, aggressive, and is confident is labeled a #Bitch or #Bossy. A woman who enjoys sex and explores her sexuality is called a #Whore. When I don’t want to give my phone number to a stranger, I’m #StuckUp. A man being the boss, having sex as much sex as he wants, or wanting to be left alone is labeled a man.

What gives men the perceived right to label, ridicule, harass and demean women they don’t even know? Why is the biological fact that they are “men” enough for them to communicate with and about women in any kind of way? People say “that’s just how boys act” … “oh, he’s just being a man”. To me that’s barely an excuse. How can a man born of a woman be naturally inclined to treat women with disrespect? Sometimes, people assume I’m just a jaded woman. They tell me “you must not like men, that’s all” or they ask me if a man hurt me in my past. Why does there have to be something wrong with me just because I insist on being respected?

I tell people I’m a feminist and they look at me with confusion. What is a feminist, anyway? Many people (male and female) hear the word and they think of a radical bra-burning, man hating, ugly, lesbian who is under the delusion that they’re lives and treatment need to be equal.

That’s both offensive and limiting. Women are diverse. Our wants are diverse yet men assume we are all the same and treat us as such. A feminist is someone who believes in the social equality of all people regardless of gender. A feminist is someone who believes in respect for another human being regardless of gender. A feminist believes that being a man does not make you more powerful or more entitled to me, a woman. But I’m finding out now that people who hold this belief are few and far between.

Sexism is another unbelievable term. Even today, men are startled by the idea that women are oppressed anywhere outside of the Middle East. Why is it so unbelievable that in 2014 there is still harassment and discrimination against women? Why is my word and experience not enough to prove that the tragedy still exists?

It saddens me to admit that most of this discrimination and harassment comes from black men, my so called “brothers”.  How am I supposed to be responsible for lifting your spirits in a world that beats down upon you while you, the black man, is constantly berating me? Not only must I bear your suffering, but I must suffer under you. That’s not to say men of other races are excluded from harassment epidemic. When white men approach me the first thing they comment on are my lips, my hair, my hips, my breast and how they “always wanted a black women” as if all women of color are interchangeable and to have one is to have us all. As if having me at all is even an option, just because you want me. As if!

I confess to feeling a little depressed and powerless in these scenarios because in reality, I am somewhat powerless. Sometimes I feel like the only beings with the power to make any real change in the way women are treated and reacted to are the main ones responsible for the oppression. Women’s issues are everyone’s issues. And yet I feel constantly alone and criticized for crying wolf and calling men out on their privilege and outrageous behavior.

To the men out there, in case you still need convincing of your innate privilege given to you simply by being male (especially if you happen to be a white upper middle class male over 5’7″), allow me to break it down:

• No reporter ever asks men how they plan to balance both their family and their career. (That’s a woman’s concern, right?)
• Should you decide to run for office, political commentators will have nothing to say about what you wear to the podium.
• Your value and intelligence are not directly linked to your sexual expression or lack thereof.
• What goes on in your reproductive system is not under government regulation.
• You can expect to see a group of men on a reality TV show who are not fighting. (“Bad Boys Club” just wouldn’t sell)
• You can walk down the street at night (or anytime of day, really) and not be concerned for your sexual safety. (Do they make anti-rape, boxers yet?)
• You can go nearly anywhere in the world and be allowed to wear what you want, go where you want, ride a bike, vote, go to school, work, pretty much do anything you want because you have a penis.
• You aren’t criticized or called some variation of whore for appearing in public in minimal clothes (go shirtless if you want to, guys. Show off those abs!)
• You can feel the freedom and right and even responsibility to comment on this article and tell me that my life experience and my opinions written here are wrong.

I have no ending for this piece. Just a plea for people to treat me (and others) with the respect I deserve not because I’m cute, or because I yelled at you and demanded that you speak to me with respect. But because I’m a human being. Not an object of your affection existing for your protection and attention That’s all.